Romantic relationships start with flirting, that artful skill of getting someone to notice you. Once people have each other’s attention, they build a connection by focusing on what makes the other person happy. If they both sustain a high level of energy for meeting one another’s needs, the attachment between them becomes secure.

But so much can go wrong in a relationship. People often pick poorly at the outset. They flirt with people with whom they have a superficial attraction. It’s like buying a car that’s beautiful, but has a poor reliability record. It’s destined to break down sooner or later. Attraction is important, but it must be backed up by an ability to consistently keep another person’s best interest in their heart.

There are many questions to be answered in order to determine whether someone will be able to provide the positive elements essential for maintaining a loving connection.

Were their parents able to do that for each other? If so, they grew up with a good model of how to sustain a satisfying marriage. If not, it’s imperative they learned to do so with someone else later in life.

What experiences after childhood have shaped their ability to relate to others?

If you were hiring someone to work for you, you’d have a job description against which you’d carefully compare their previous experience. It’s imperative to examine a person’s relationship resume before getting too committed.

What evidence is there that a potential partner has the interest and ability to make a lifetime commitment to creating a mutually satisfying relationship?

If there’s no history of their having been able to take care of other people’s needs for a sustained period of time, what would make you think they’d be able to do that with you?

How has the person handled friendships? What’s the nature of their connection to their children and parents? Is there evidence the essence of their relationships revolves around a fair exchange of giving and taking? Or is too one sided one way or the other?

Questions will be asked about your track record as well.

What about your ability to have win-win relationships? How well have you been able to take care of other people’s needs? How effectively can you assert and negotiate for what you want? Do you often end up resentful because you’ve given more than you’ve received? Do you frequently find yourself angry and engaging in power struggles with people in an effort to get what you feel you deserve? Do you find significant satisfaction in making the world a better place for others, or are you primarily focused on your own survival?

Your ability to be a loving person is reflected in how well you take care of yourself. Do you turn toward others to get your needs met in an equitable exchange? Or do you turn toward substances such as alcohol, drugs or food for comfort? Are you able to put your own best interests first by taking good care of your body, mind and spirit? Or do you struggle to take care of your body? Are you often critical, or can you maintain an optimistic frame of mind when facing challenges? Do you nurture your spirit by communing with nature and tapping into the loving energy of the universe?

If you look at yourself and feel you have a lot to learn about how to be a more loving person, find people to teach you what you need to know. Hang out around friends who have loving relationships and model your own interactions after theirs. Find a therapist who can coach you on how to form loving connections.

If you find yourself in a relationship that’s not making you happy, then work on what you can do to be a more loving person. If your partner doesn’t reciprocate, and you’ve been very clear and encouraging about how you want your needs met, then seek help.

The longer you’re locked into a situation that lacks sufficient satisfaction of your needs, the more likely you are to feel unlovable. At a minimum, marriage counseling can help you look at your own ability to love yourself and others. When counseling succeeds, both you and your spouse will have learned to apply the relationship skills required to make your marriage happy.

Correct.

Very true.

Absolutely right.

Dear All !!!

Thanks for your kind comments.